My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
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8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My blood type is b hungry.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS