[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
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The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.