COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
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Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.