Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
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I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you