[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
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interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
May have had one breakfast too many
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??