when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
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ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My teenage children choosing violence
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.