Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
You Might Also Like
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”