It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
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How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.