Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
You Might Also Like
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I’m awake but I object,
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence