me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
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This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”