It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
This made me chuckle.