I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
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I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.