My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
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Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.