Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
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guys I’m going home
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
☺️
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.