So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
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Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Story of my life…..
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
🙁
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?