“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
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Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.