A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
You Might Also Like
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Okay
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.