I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
You Might Also Like
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Basically.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no