ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.