Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
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8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him