Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
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Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Something Saturday.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job