Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
You Might Also Like
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
incredible
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg