[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
You Might Also Like
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens