First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.