banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
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My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Herpes is trending, good job people
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day