this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
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would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Finally! 😈
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.