If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes