7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth