M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about