I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
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Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals