No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
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Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
The fall of Netflix
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*