Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
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My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
you gotta be faster
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”