It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
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5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Every damn time
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.