Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
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Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”