[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
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When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
A short story about romance.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.