I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food