You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
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Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*