Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
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Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.