@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
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Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow