BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
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Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Not all heroes wear capes…
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back