Simple
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Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
so weird how every mom was born today
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*