I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
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A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
time for some seasonal decor
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!