Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
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“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I think something went wrong here?!🤔