New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
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Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way