Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
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The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?