Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Mornin
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.