Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
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My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!