Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
You Might Also Like
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Whoa… oh I see lol
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
The cake is mightier than the sword.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.