“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
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Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
What
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.