7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
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“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR